#4 Lauren Bishop – Housewife

Probably the most annoying thing about my husband’s work is the stains he brings home. They’re awful. Every night he goes out and prowls through the dark alleyways, hunting down evil with fighting prowess and finely honed deductive skills, but for some reason he can’t seem to stop himself from stepping in every pool of filth and slime on the streets.

And the blood, don’t get me started on the blood. It gets everywhere, into every single seam, and no detergent can take that out. Believe me, I’ve tried. But I’ll let you in on my little secret. Add a half-cup of salt to the wash. I don’t know how it works but it does. Busts those bloodstains right out. It also makes sure the colors don’t wash, which I think is really important. After all, nobody would be terrified of the Dingy Black Knight.

There are worse things than the blood though. Because he punches those crooks really hard sometimes other things get stuck on the clothes too. I’ve found so many teeth that if the Tooth Fairy were real, then I could buy a Hawaiian beach house with the money I make trading them in.

Did you know that you can machine-wash Kevlar? It has to be specially treated with solvents and than scrubbed by hand. And it’s not like I can send it out to be serviced. I’m sure that’d raise some questions at the cleaners. It takes a lot of elbow grease let me tell you. I have forearms like a longshoreman. And what it does to my skin? Forget about it. The girls down at the beauty shop think that I have the worst case eczema. It’s so embarrassing that I’ve started wearing gloves out and about just to avoid the stares.

I knew that when I married a super-hero, I’d be taking my life into my hands. The city is full of criminals and freaks that would love nothing more that to use me against him, but I never thought that I would be more intimidated by an overflowing hamper of sweaty uniforms than of being dangled over a tank of radioactive piranhas.

Category: 2011, Superhero