#1 Edmund Carmine

Name: Edmund James Carmine (However, he only ever goes by Ed or Carmine… mostly Carmine since students stopped calling him “Mr.” a year in.)
Age: 56
Birthdate: 10/23/11
Occupation: High School Art and Drama Teacher.
PB: Weird Al

From a young age, Carmine knew he would be an actor. He would spend hours alone in his room performing one man shows for his G.I. Joes and stealing his sister’s Barbies to play damsel in distress to his gallant hero.

His parents were concerned.

They knew that this scrawny, curly haired Jewish boy had about as much of a chance of becoming a star as Woody Allen had of being cast as the tall dark and handsome hero. As much as they wanted to encourage the boy, they didn’t want to watch him get his hopes crushed by Hollywood. Little did they know that this boy would, indeed, follow his dream… though it wouldn’t turn out exactly the way he’d hoped.

At the insistence of his mother, Carmine went to college. Much to her dismay, however, it was in California and he majored in acting. He did take a few teaching classes to appease her, but he was dedicated to following his passion. All of his teachers and classmates were behind him, watching as he went to audition after audition after audition with no luck. He was starting to lose hope when he finally caught a break. He was cast in a big Hollywood movie as George Clooney’s brother in law. He was only in one scene and he only had a few lines (one of which was “pass the mashed potatoes”) but he didn’t care. He was up on the big screen for all to see. The memories of that day are his most treasured. No matter where he went from that day on his picture of himself with George Clooney always went with him.

He continued going to auditions with renewed enthusiasm after that but he was never able to quite make it. He did a short film here and there and was in the background in a number of films. He even got to play a dead body on Law and Order, once. However as the years passed and he started to age, the opportunities became few and far between. He was down to doing commercials about erectile dysfunction and infomercials for products people don’t want. He was offered a starring roll for a TV show, but it was never picked up by the network. Though, in hindsight, Desperately Seeking Stephen wasn’t really the best idea out there.

Somewhere along the line he’d moved back home to Connecticut. He had his own little apartment in Darby, one town over from where his parents lived. He was still making periodic trips to New York City for auditions and the occasional play, but his big break still remained slightly out of reach. His mother, a substitute teacher, told him that the High School in Aviario was looking for a new art teacher. He wasn’t too thrilled with the idea. He wasn’t as enthusiastic about drawing or sculpture as he was about acting, after all. But his mother gave him that look that she always does. The one he can never say no to. No matter what she’s asking him to do.

So, at 35, he became the newest staff member of Aviario High School. His off beat methods (and tendency to wear Hawaiian shirts and sandals in the dead of winter) made him a fast favorite among the student body. He soon discovered his love of teaching and a knack for inspiring creativity in young minds. It wasn’t long before he took over directing the school plays, pushing students to take on more challenging roles. For a while he still tried to make auditions, hoping for his big break. However, he slowly stopped scheduling them, throwing himself whole heartedly into what he now considered the role of a lifetime.

During the summer he acts in local productions, Shakespeare in the park and the like. He’s also discovered, quite by accident, a love for writing and making music.

He’s been teaching for 20 years now, and has no plans of stopping any time soon. For the past 15 years or so he’s been playing local clubs with teachers and former students. They mostly do parodies, covers and random medleys. They’re not very well received by everyone, but he doesn’t care. He’s doing what he loves and, ultimately, that’s all that matters.

***A short ficlet of the class that inspired him to start writing music***

“No, no, no. I refuse to believe that you can make a collage out of everything! What about acting? What about music?”

Carmine rolled his eyes and waved an arm at the teenage girl currently giving him attitude, “What? Oh c’mooon, you don’t think the parodies on Saturday Night Live aren’t collages? What about that sketch with all the superheroes having a party?”

Glad to see this ‘discussion’ was getting her out of having to do any actual work, she pressed on. “Alright, fine. But what about music?”

“Music, huh?” He glanced around the room at all the faces staring at him, waiting for his brilliant response. He honestly didn’t have much experience with music. He’d taken one guitar class in college and didn’t do too badly, but he hadn’t really picked it up since. But that’s never stopped him, before. He grinned confidently, “I’ll make you guys a deal. I’ll put together a musical collage out of songs you pick and if you guys don’t like it you all get bonus points on your final project.”

The kids cheered and immediately started shouting song titles his way. The remainder of the class was spent writing the song titles on the board and voting on which ones he had to use. After the bell he stood there for a moment, staring at the board. It was a daunting task, to be sure, but he was confident he could make it work.

Category: 2011, Humor